Half A Story
by Appleye2
Summary: Modern AU. Changed from story lines to not quite finished stories. Hiccstrid in all its varied forms.
1. The Day I Met You

**This scene came to me in a moment of inspiration. But I don't intend to extend into anything further.**

* * *

 **"The Day I met you"**

 **Hiccup was fed up...of trailing after his cousin and apologizing to all the offended females the other man left in his wake. Till they met a blonde woman with an unexpected surprise... and who refused to back down.**

* * *

It was a beautiful sunny day. The kind that made you want to forget whatever you were supposed to be doing, and go outside and enjoy the sunshine. The two men strolling down the esplanade at the beach were no exception. Although while the short, stocky guy with the black hair and a wide, leering grin was obviously enjoying himself, his tall and lean, auburn haired friend was not.

"Hey beautiful! Looking fi-ine. How about you and me?" said Snotlout loudly, to some unsuspecting girl talking with her friend on the path in front of them.

The girls stopped to look briefly at him, before turning their backs and lifting away their faces in disgust.

"You don't know what you're missing. You just passed up perfection," he responded snidely to their rejection, lifting his arm to kiss his biceps.

"Snotlout, do you have to harass every girl here?" asked his cousin Hiccup in exasperation, trying to steer the shorter man away.

"What are you talking about? They love me. I'm a prime specimen of a handsome, young male," Snotlout boasted. He cast a disparaging eye over his skinnier cousin. "You, on the other hand, should never take your shirt off in front of a woman. They'll mistake you for a toothpick."

He laughed obnoxiously at his own joke, while Hiccup rolled his eyes and sighed in long-suffering frustration.

"Oh, ha ha," Hiccup droned sarcastically.

They kept on walking, Snotlout leering and offering suggestive remarks to any girl who had the misfortune to wander too close. Hiccup did his best to keep his cousin distracted, but Snotlout was not to be deterred. So Hiccup took to apologizing to the offended girls instead, all the while shaking his head over how self-absorbed his cousin was.

He was relieved to see the pathway was about to end. Their favourite café was up ahead and he knew Snotlout's obsession with food, was greater than his love of women. After that, Hiccup fully intended to look for any excuse to drop off his cousin, so that he could return to his own tiny flat and continue his work in blessed silence. He still had a large drawing to complete after all.

Hiccup was eagerly looking down the last few feet before the café, when he saw something that made him groan silently to himself. A large man in front had shifted, and hiding from view behind him, was a slender, blonde girl dressed in a bikini top and figure hugging shorts. She had her back to them, and was standing with her hands on her hips, looking out to sea.

Snotlout straight away nudged his cousin hard in the ribs. "Check this out, cuz. I left the best till last," he said proudly, as if he was personally responsible for the blonde woman being in that precise spot.

Hiccup's brows pinched together. "Leave her alone, Snot. She's not here for you," he tried to warn.

But Snotlout was already pushing ahead. Hiccup trotted to keep up.

The stocky man was a few steps behind her shoulder when he spoke, "Looking hot there babe. You know you were waiting for me."

To Hiccup's surprise, the blonde tilted her chin over her shoulder, and grinned at Snotlout. She then turned around…and showed off a very definite pregnant belly.

Snotlout backed up straight away, almost stepping on his cousin, and put his hands up in the air. "Woah! Sorry ma'am. Didn't realise you were packin'."

She casually waved her hand towards her belly. "You mean this old thing? I just threw it on. Separates the men from the boys," she said, giving them both a saucy wink.

Snotlout screwed up his face in confusion. "That's real…right?"

The blonde woman smirked dryly. "Yeah... It's real. Result of a drunken one night mistake. He left his load and I get to carry it from now on. Lucky me."

"So you don't have a baby papa?" Snotlout asked.

Hiccup frowned, concerned about the woman's predicament. He didn't feel it was right that she had been abandoned like that.

"Nope!" the blonde said cheerily. "Not unless you're applying for the job."

Snotlout waved her off and backed up in outright fear. "Pre-packaged family plan? Noooo…I don't think so."

Hiccup asked quietly, "So…the guy's not looking after you at all?"

A flicker of disgust curled her lip, before she wiped it away and smiled instead. "Nope. The rotten stinker couldn't run away fast enough. I think he's even gone as far as changing his name so I couldn't find him again." She rubbed her belly affectionately. "It's just me and this little guy now…against the world."

Hiccup still found himself inexplicably concerned. "And you're okay with that?"

She gave him a dry look. "I have to be, don't I? Not much I can do about it."

Snotlout spoke up callously, "You could have gotten rid of it."

The young woman gave him a fierce look that would have pierced steel. "This babe certainly didn't ask to be born…and he didn't ask to be killed either. Just because some douche bag took advantage of me during a vulnerable moment, doesn't mean my baby can't have a chance at life. You don't like it…nothing holding you here," she suggested tightly, stepping back to give Snotlout room to keep right on moving down the path.

Hiccup back-handed his cousin. "Don't be an idiot, you moron. You can't go around saying stuff like that."

He turned towards the young lady. "I'm very sorry about my friend. His lips are moving but his brain's not always engaged," he apologized.

She looked at him for a moment, before giving a half sneer. "Sure hope your friend's been neutered then. Would hate for that kind of stupidity to be spread around."

Hiccup snorted, then grinned at her with a playful light in his eye. "Yeah, that would be a tragedy," he agreed.

"Hey!" said Snotlout, objecting loudly.

The blonde ignored the shorter guy, and grinned widely at Hiccup before giving him a contemplative once over.

"You're alright," she decided, before sticking out her hand. "Name's Astrid."

Hiccup smiled warmly, returning her handshake with a firm grip. "Hiccup. Don't ask. Family tradition," he added when she raised her eyebrow. Indicating the other guy with a thumb over his shoulder, he said, "The doofus is my cousin….Snotlout."

Astrid covered her hand over her mouth to snigger, but then regained her composure. "Sounds about right. Anyway, I was about to head over to the café for a milkshake. Are you heading that way?" she asked.

"NO," said Snotlout at the same time as Hiccup said, "Yes."

Astrid grinned. "Well, I'd love to walk with you…but you may have to keep your dog on a leash. I don't think they allow pets inside," she told Hiccup with a cheeky smirk.

Snotlout screwed his nose up in confusion. "We don't have a dog," he complained.

Astrid only laughed gaily, picking up her bag off the ground. Flipping it over her shoulder she grinned. "Boys and men," she said teasingly, then proceeded to walk away, twisting her hips in a motion that Hiccup couldn't keep his eyes off.

Snotlout smacked his cousin across his shoulder, startling him. "Dude! Seriously? You're not going anywhere near her, are you? Talk about a woman with baggage…this one has serious daddy issues."

Hiccup only shrugged. "Why not? She seems really nice. It's only a milkshake after all. It's not as if I'm moving in with her."

Snotlout grunted in disgust. "I can't believe you, Hiccup. Anybody can feed you a sob story and you'd be all over them, like 'Look at me. I'm such a sap, looking for a puppy to take care of'," he said, mimicking a falsetto voice.

Hiccup took his eyes off Astrid's form disappearing into the door of the café, to frown at his cousin. "I happen to like puppies. They're cute."

Snotlout rolled his eyes. "Yeah, so is Tuff's pet snake. But I'm not going to bed with it anytime soon."

Hiccup's brows dipped in disgusted confusion. "What? I'm not going to bed with anyone…You know… she's right. You can just keep on walking. I'm staying here. I'll catch you tomorrow," he said, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket to check the contents. Pulling out a twenty, he shoved it into his cousin's hand. "Find another ride home. I'll see you later."

With that, he turned on his heel to jog after the fascinating pregnant blonde woman.

Snotlout spluttered, before yelling at his cousin. "Yeah…well, see if I care. Don't come running to me, when she puts her stinking swollen baby feet in your lap and tells you to rub them…See if I'll help you then," he shouted defiantly to Hiccup's back. Hiccup completely ignored him, already opening the door to the café to shift inside.


	2. Love Story - the real thing

**Looking for romance? Then head for 'A Café Where You Can Find True Love'...a café devoted to all things romantic. Here you may just find true love...along with some terrible clichés and impossibly funny moments! Just don't expect any common sense.**

* * *

Two gorgeous girls were shuffling along the street... shuffling because they were wearing tight skirts with six inch high heels and they didn't want to fall over...talking animatedly to each other while flicking their shiny locks casually over their shoulders. The blonde woman was feeling crestfallen and needed the loving support of her more raven haired friend. Pouting her ruby red lips, she moaned, "I'm nineteen, beautiful and haven't had a date in three weeks! I'm going to die an old maid before I can find somebody to love me forever!"

The other girl patted her friend consolingly on her shoulder, "There, There, Astrid. Don't worry. it'll happen for you, I promise."

"But how, Heather?" Astrid wailed, flinging her hands in the air dramatically. "Where can I go to find somebody kind, and decent...and handsome of course. They must be handsome."

"Of course," agreed Heather seriously. "That's a given." She turned thoughtful. "What you need is a café where you can find true love. And I know just where it is."

Astrid looked up hopefully through her long lashes, still pouting sadly. "You do? What's it called?"

"A café where you can find true love."

"Yes, I heard that part, but what is the name?" Astrid asked again, surprised at her friend's supposed 'blonde moment'. Well, Heather was a brunette.

"No. That's the actual name. "A Café Where You Can Find True Love," Heather told her again, grabbing Astrid's shoulders and spinning her around.

Astrid felt a bit dizzy for a moment, blinking madly to clear her vision. There in front of her was a brightly colored café with that very name written in cursive across the top.

"A Café Where You Can Find True Love," Astrid read out in astonishment. She turned back to her friend and squealed happily, "This is it! It's a sign! Maybe I'll find true love here!"

Heather rolled her eyes fondly. "That's the idea. Now go get 'em tiger!" she told her friend kindly, pushing her non too gently towards the café.

Astrid excitedly bubbled, "Okay!" and tottered towards the door.

Once inside, she had to blink at all the garish red hearts and roses décor. It was everywhere.

A skinny gum-popping, long-haired blonde waitress greeted her. "Do you have a booking?" she asked sourly.

"Umm, no?" replied Astrid hesitantly, beginning to feel unsure.

"Well, you'll be needing a table in the Singles Looking Section, then," the waitress droned, turning sharply and indicating for Astrid to follow her.

Astrid stepped out as fast as she could in her tight skirt and high heels...which wasn't very fast... chasing after the waitress who had stopped next to a half-sized table that could really only fit one person. There were several rows of mini tables in the cozy sized room. Glancing briefly down one side, she noticed an auburn haired man who had his back turned to her at present.

She brushed past, anxious to reach her table after noticing the stern frown on the waitress' face. Astrid had barely placed her booty on the seat when a menu was rudely shoved in front of her nose. Blinking madly, she grabbed at it and pushed it back to where she could safely read it.

The waitress stood slouched, a notepad and pencil in her hand.

"My name is Ruffnut, I'll be your waitress for today. What's your poison?" she droned flatly.

Astrid hastily scanned the menu. "Um...okay. I'll have a skinny mocha latte with almond milk," she decided brightly, beaming up at Ruffnut.

Ruffnut wrote on her pad. "Flat black."

Astrid hesitantly put her finger up. "Uh, no...I ordered a..." she trailed off in confusion as the waitress completely ignored her and left. "Okay. Flat black it is then," she said to herself with a shrug.

Drumming her long manicured fingernails on the table, she idly looked around. There were a few people in here, all sitting by themselves at small tables like herself. The place was highly decorated with the red hearts and roses. Soft lights gave the place a romantic feel. She was about to eye off the man she had passed by on the way in when Ruffnut appeared again.

"Here's your coffee," she said abruptly.

Astrid took a small sip, then promptly screwed up her face in disgust. "This is revolting! How can you call this coffee?" she asked quickly, pushing away the cup.

Ruffnut shrugged. "We spent so much money on creating a love café we had none left over for a coffee machine. This is straight up instant," she explained.

Astrid shuddered at the taste lingering on her tongue. She decided to leave. Before she could, Ruffnut asked her. "Now which one of these dudes do you like?"

Astrid's eyes opened wide at the question, glancing to where the waitress was pointing. Her gaze automatically settled on the auburn haired man sitting diagonally opposite her. The one she had noticed on the way in. She was immediately drawn to his longish hair but he was looking downwards and she couldn't really see his features. However, she must have been staring at him for a trifle too long as Ruffnut interrupted her thoughts as, "That one? Okay, wait here."

The waitress turned away before Astrid even had a chance to stop her, and she looked on in horror as Ruffnut approached the slender man at the other table.

"Hey! Do you like that blonde over there?" she asked him abruptly.

Hiccup only had a chance to briefly flick his gaze in the direction Ruffnut was pointing before she suddenly whipped out a rubber mallet with "Cupid" written on the side and hit him over the head with it.

"Oww, ow, ow!" he immediately cried, his arms flailing wildly in an attempt to protect his cranium.

"Do you see stars?' Ruffnut asked him roughly.

"What? No," Hiccup snapped back in confusion, rubbing his head.

Ruffnut immediately smacked him again with her hammer.

"Do you see stars?" she demanded again.

Hiccup hunched down and kept his hands over his head. "Yes! Yes! I see stars!" he shouted quickly in return, fearful of another beat down.

"Good, you've made a match," Ruffnut declared, before leaving him to go back to the girl's table.

Hiccup squinted through the tears of pain clouding his vision and the dull ache in his head to try and see who Ruffnut had pointed at, but all he could see was a blurred vision of a blonde head before Ruffnut blocked her off from his sight. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do next so he stayed seated and continued rubbing the lump forming on his head.

His friends had recommended he come to this café to find a girlfriend, but this was the third day he'd been here. When he hadn't met anyone it had only confirmed his fears that at the age of 20 he was a skinny nobody. The fact that no single women had even been in there to choose from only made him feel that more repulsive. Now he had a severe headache and he wasn't sure what that meant.

Ruffnut was speaking with Astrid. "Okay, he's a match. What time do you want to make a booking for tomorrow?"

"A booking?" Astrid asked uncertainly.

"Yeah, you know...a booking to come back and start a romance with this guy?" Ruffnut spoke in irritated tones. She rolled her eyes. Blondes. They were all the same. The fact that she was also a blonde had no relevance.

"Oh...okay. How about ten?" offered Astrid.

Ruffnut turned on her heel and went back to Hiccup.

"She's made a booking for ten tomorrow. Does that work for you?" she asked brusquely.

"Ten? Um, no, I'll be at work. How about eleven?" Hiccup replied, feeling as if he were in a dream, although that could be the darkened edges around his vision from the head trauma.

Ruffnut was back at Astrid's table. "No can do on ten. He offered eleven."

"Eleven? I can't do that, I have a hair appointment. What about one-thirty pm?" said Astrid, checking her schedule on her phone.

Ruffnut stomped back to Hiccup. "Latest offer is one-thirty pm. Take it or leave it."

"One-thirty?" Hiccup spluttered. "But I have an important physics exam at two. It's not..." he tried to say, but he was speaking to thin air.

"Two pm," was Ruffnut's terse response.

Astrid wrinkled up her nose prettily. "Ummm...I'll have to get my nails done..." she started to say before Ruffnut snapped. "Oh come on. Do you think I have all day to wait for you two to get your schedules together? I'm going to mark you down for two-thirty," she told her, writing on her notepad.

Astrid gulped, pulling back. "Okay. Two-thirty...but I'll probably arrive at three," she told her host timidly.

Ruffnut gave a wolfish grin and nodded approvingly. "I like that. Keep him hanging. See if he's for real or not." She pulled out a card with the time and date written on it and gave it to Astrid.

"See you tomorrow...at two-thirty," she added, with a knowing wink. Picking up the abandoned coffee cup, she stood back in expectation.

Astrid hesitated, then stood up to leave. As she tottered down the aisle Ruffnut called out to her, "Thank you for attending the Café Where You Can Find True Love. Guaranteed romance for every patron."

Astrid gave a tiny unsure wave and left. Before long she had caught up with her excited raven haired friend.

"Well?" demanded Heather. "Did you find somebody?"

It had been such a whirlwind experience Astrid was still reeling from it all. "Umm, I'm not really sure...but I do have a booking for tomorrow."

Heather squealed then hugged her best friend. "That's wonderful news! See? You're not a tired old has-been yet!"

Astrid smiled slowly at the realization she actually had a date for tomorrow. All her dreams had come true. She turned to her friend.

"Let's get a facial to celebrate."

Hiccup had been pushed out of the café with a booking card, the time written on it for tomorrow. When he'd belatedly asked what the booking was for, Ruffnut had pointed towards another section of the café he hadn't noticed before with the sign "Recently Connected" over the entrance. All he could see was tables full of couples who were either blushing or staring shyly at anything except their partners. 'Looks awkward', was his first thought followed by, 'And painful', when he saw another waiter heading in that direction with the Cupid hammer in his hand. 'Wear hardhat' was his internal reminder before Ruffnut forced him outside.

He staggered down the street, still feeling unsteady after the brain bashing. He entered through the doors of another café where he was going to meet up with his friends. Sitting gingerly down on a stool to stop the world from spinning, he ordered another coffee. The one he had been given at the Love Café had tasted like burning tyre rubber and he desperately needed to get that flavor out of his mouth.

A man sniggered beside him. "Looks like Cupid has struck again," was the teasing comment.

Hiccup shot a dry look at his friend Tuffnut. "My head has been abused. I don't know about Cupid," was his short reply.

He received his fresh cup of coffee gratefully, then added. "Your sister says hi, by the way."

A second man asked with timid interest, "So how was it? Did you meet someone?"

Hiccup thought about it. "I'm not really sure, Fishlegs. There was a blonde woman, but that's all I could make out after being knocked semi-unconscious."

A third man snorted. "Typical. Skinny Hiccup can't even tell if he's met a girl or not. I bet she took one look at those noodle arms and fled the other way."

Hiccup glanced over at Snotlout, thinking to himself how great is was to have friends like these to ensure his low morale stayed as low as possible. He pulled out the booking card, "This tells me otherwise."

Snotlout snatched it from his hand. "Astrid? You've got a date with Astrid? Who's she?" he demanded to know.

Tuffnut chuckled beside him. "Probably some old age pensioner with a fake hip," he snorted. The two friends laughed obnoxiously at Hiccup's pending romantic disaster.

Fishlegs reached over to pat Hiccup's shoulder. "I'm sure she will be lovely."

Hiccup raised his cup towards his one semi-helpful friend. "Thanks, Fish."

* * *

 **I have no idea how to finish this. Any helpers?**


	3. Medical Centre

**Disclaimer: Not all these jokes are mine. Professor Google is a minefield of information!**

 **Warning: This is not your typical hiccstrid story. It's more a medical vaudeville show with hiccstrid thrown in there somewhere. I hope you have as much fun with it as I did!**

 **Footnote: I just want to point out that I don't take to the stereotypical notion of only men being doctors and women being nurses. I've met plenty of wonderful male nurses and female doctors. But it worked for me better in this total nonsense!**

* * *

~ Every Day I work with Hot Doctors is a Good Day ~

Early shift at the Berk Hospital was about to begin. Let the mayhem commence….

...

Three nurses are waiting at the nurses station for patient handover before their early shift commences.

Nurse Ruff: *munching on apple for breakfast* Have you met the new Doctor yet? I heard he was sizzling hot!

Nurse Heather: *sighing wistfully* I'm sure he's not as cute as Dr Ingerman. That man can examine me any day he likes.

Nurse Ruff: *snorts* You'd eat him for breakfast.

Nurse Heather: *dreamily* Yes please.

Nurse Ruff: *still eating apple* What about you Astrid? You keen to meet the new guy?

Nurse Astrid: *grumpy look with coffee cup gripped tightly in hand* No talky. Caffeine intake hasn't hit therapeutic level yet.

Nurse Ruff: Well suck it up baby, cause here comes Dr McHotStuff now.

In strolls new and very handsome Doctor Hiccup talking with Doctor Fishlegs. He has the attention of all three nurses.

Nurse Heather: *Looking at Ruff* An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Nurse Ruff: *looking at apple then chucking it away* Well forget the fruit, cause this doctor's cute.

Nurse Astrid: *very awake now*

Doctor Hiccup comes over to introduce himself.

Dr Hiccup: Good morning Sisters. I'm the new guy here. My name is Doctor Haddock...but you can call me Hiccup.

Nurse Ruff: *winks saucily* And you can call me anytime you like.

Doctor Hiccup raises brows in concern.

Nurse Heather: *elbows Ruff* Good morning Hiccup. I'm Nurse Heather, that's Nurse Ruff, and this is Nurse Astrid.

Dr Hiccup: *smiles at them all, but lingers on Astrid* It's a pleasure meeting you. I look forward to working with you all. *still looking at Astrid*

He waves then leaves with Doctor Fishlegs.

Nurse Ruff: Any day I work with hot doctor's...is a good day. Hey Astrid?

Nurse Astrid: *smiling to herself* It's a good day.

-oOo-

You might be a nurse if...

You hate working nights on the full moon.

...

Man comes to emergency reception window.

Nurse: Yes sir, what can I help you with tonight?

Patient: Um, my wife needs my death certificate so she can collect the widows pension. Can I get one here?

Nurse: Er…you do realise you have to be dead to have a death certificate.

Patient: Yes, that's why I came here. You have dead people here don't you?

Nurse: Well, we try not to, but sometimes people unfortunately pass away.

Patient: Well then, I'm in the right place. Do I have to sign something to get my death certificate?

Nurse:*looking around for hidden cameras* Am I being pranked? Or is it a full moon tonight? Cause it sure feels like it.

-oOo-

Patient: (during a colonoscopy examination)

Wow! Now I know what a Muppet feels like.

-oOo-

You might be a nurse if…

You've ever pretended to sneeze and at the same time throw KY jelly on a co-worker to make them think they got shot with a hocker.

...

Two nurses are in the treatment room together. Ruff pulls something out of her pocket.

Nr Ruff: AH - AH - Choooo! *pretends to sneeze, same time flings KY jelly at Heather, lands on her face*

Nr Heather: *disgusted glare* RUFF! Keep your jelly to yourself.

Nr Ruff: *laughing her head off* What would be the fun in that?

Nr Heather: *wiping it off with tissue* At least I'm well lubricated.

Nr Ruff: *stops laughing* Ooo…that gives me some ideas.

Nr Heather: *sighing* Of course it does. Just don't involve me. Bye.

-oOo-

Nurse Astrid walks into a female patient's room where the husband is squirming with some discomfort in the hard visitor's chair. The wife becomes restless in her bed, so the husband stands to reassure her.

Nr Astrid: (suggests to husband) Maybe you could adjust the pillows for extra comfort?

Husband agrees and Astrid leaves the room.

Later, she comes back in and finds the husband happily seated in the chair with his wife's pillows tucked in under his arms. He looks up and beams at her.

Husband: You were right, nurse. It did make it more comfortable. Thanks!

-oOo-

~ Day Time Medical Soapie Alert~

...

Two nurses entered the patients room in a solemn fashion, the patient lying unconscious on the bed.

"Beep, beep, beep, beep…"

"Ruff, what are you doing?"

"Beep…uh, I was adding a dramatic moment in the life of a dying patient."

Astrid sighed in a long suffering fashion. "He's not dying…he's sleeping. And why does he need a 'dramatic moment'?"

Ruff mouth twitched at her colleagues' insistence on ruining her chance for some extra (imaginery) excitement.

"Just ruin my fun, why don't you," she grumbled.

"Ruff, we're only here to change his IV, not to have fun."

"But that's so borrrring. I wanna be like those tv soapie nurses who are always saving patients with dramatic flair. You know…the ones who always have perfect hair and makeup…the buttons straining across their big…."

"Ruff!" snapped Astrid.

Ruff dropped her hands. "You know what I'm talking about, Astrid. They always look so perfect. The only eyeshadow I wear is the dark shadows under my eyes from exhaustion, my hair always smells like fish…."

"That's cause you put fish oil in your hair."

Ruff ignored her. "I'm more likely to give a man nightmares than wet dreams."

Astrid snorted, finishing up changing the IV bag.

Ruff picked up a medicine cup with two tablets and shook the patient's shoulder. The patient, who had been sound asleep, woke with a fright.

"Arrghh!" he yelled, upon seeing Ruff looming over him.

"See?" said Ruff pointedly.

Astrid tried hard not to laugh, snorting into her hand.

"Here, take your Valium," said Ruff, shoving the medicine into the man's confused face.

"You woke me up, to give me a sleeping pill?" the patient complained.

"What can I say? The Doc wants you doped," shrugged Ruff.

The man shook his head, taking the pills anyway with the water Astrid handed to him. Once he had swallowed, Ruff told him, "Now go back to sleep."

"I was asleep," the patient grumbled.

"Whatever."

Ruff and Astrid leave.

-oOo-

Nurse Ruff walks into patient's room.

Nr Ruff: Time for your injection.

Patient: *worried frown* Will I feel some tenderness?

Nr Ruff: *shrugs* Maybe. But not from me

Patient: Er?

-oOo-

Nurse Astrid is helping to clean up a patient who has been suffering from nausea and vomiting. Doctor Hiccup walks in to assess his patient.

Dr Hiccup: Hi Patient Williams. I believe you've been experiencing some nausea?

Patient: Yes. I threw up after lunch.

Dr Hiccup: Oh, that's no good.

He turns to Nurse Astrid.

Dr Hiccup: What did the patient have to eat before he threw up?

Nurse Astrid: Er…hold on a minute.

She steps back and stares at the evidence on her shoes.

Nurse Astrid: I believe it was meatballs and spaghetti, Doctor.

Dr Hiccup: Um…thank you for that. Er, you can go clean your shoes now if you like.

Nurse Astrid: *in relief* Thanks.

Turns and leaves

-oOo-

You know, the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

-oOo-

You might be a nurse if...

You compliment a complete stranger on his veins.

...

Nr Heather: I bailed up a guy at the shops the other day.

Nr Astrid: Was he cute?

Nr Heather: I have no idea. He was in front of me at the checkout, but all I could notice were his arms.

Nr Astrid: *smiling* I think I know where this is going.

Nr Heather: He had these magnificent veins, so big and round. You could shove an 18 gauge needle in there no problems. They were amazing!

Nr Astrid: So what did you do?

Nr Heather: I practically man-handled the guy. I just wanted to feel them, you know?

Nr Astrid: *giggling* What did he say to being groped by a total stranger?

Nr Heather: Nothing really. After I told him I would love to take his blood, he looked at me strangely and ran away.

Nr Astrid: *totally laughing* I don't know why he would have done that.

Nr Heather: *grinning* It was a completely normal conversation after all.

Nr Astrid: Heather, I think you had better let somebody else take bloods next time. You're becoming slightly obsessed.

Nr Heather: *laughingly agrees* Just a little...

-oOo-

Medical Centre with Doctor Fishlegs

...

Doctor: Now Mrs Smith. Have you ever had a stress test?

Patient: Yes. I married him.

-oOo-

Astrid was trying to sleep in on her day off, but she wasn't feeling well. She felt nauseous and her stomach was hurting. After trying all the remedies she had, the pain hadn't gotten any better. By lunch time she knew it was probably more serious than constipation and decided she had better get herself to hospital.

Staggering into the emergency department, she told the reception through gritted teeth, "I've got suspected appendicitis. It started with periumbilical pain then moved to my right lower quadrant with guarding. I've also been vomiting."

The nurse regarded her with a small smile and a quirked brow before escorting her to the nearest bed. "Let's get you settled and then we'll get a second opinion if that's alright with you."

"Sure," says Astrid, panting painfully. "But you might want to let theatre know." She cradled her belly and curled up tight on the bed, refusing to moan because she's a nurse and it was just a silly little appendix.

A few minutes later the doctor walks in to examine her and Astrid can hardly believe her eyes. It's Hiccup.

"Nurse Astrid," he says formally, his ears tinged a little pink. "I believe you have some lower abdominal pain."

"Yes," she groans, unable to help herself and feeling completely embarrassed.

"I'll have to examine you," he tells her, his ears turning a deeper shade of red.

Astrid feels her fever must have spiked cause she's feeling a lot hotter all of a sudden when she carefully lifts her shirt to reveal her flat stomach. He puts his hand on her skin and she practically leaps off the bed with the zinging of his touch and the torture of her abused appendix.

Astrid can't help thanking her inflamed tissue for getting Hiccup's hands on her body, but wishing it was a less painful experience.

"Are you pregnant?" he asks as part of his examination, avoiding eye contact with her.

Astrid knows the pain must be bad when she complains, "That would imply I'm actually having sex." As soon as the words left her mouth she stops short, her eyes opening wide when she realises what she's said.

Hiccup sports a small smile that he's trying to keep under control, but doesn't comment further.

After poking and prodding carefully, Hiccup leans forward to tell her, "You have acute appendicitis."

Astrid grumbles, "There's nothing cute about it."

He manages to wipe the smirk off his lips and tells her formally, "You'll need surgery. Is that okay?"

Astrid's happy to agree to surgery and whatever drugs she can legally get hooked up with, as long as that pain disappears.

Later, Astrid is feeling a lot more relaxed as the anesthetic kicks in and she's being wheeled into surgery.

"I love you, I love you….I love everybody," she tells all the operative staff, giggling uncontrollably.

The next time Astrid groggily opens her eyes, she's met with the familiar face of her friend, Nurse Heather.

"Hello sunshine," Heather greets her cheerfully.

"Go away," Astrid mumbles.

"Lovely," says Heather in reply, unperturbed. "Doctor Hiccup's here. He needs to inspect the surgical site."

Astrid's eyes fly open to see Hiccup standing behind Heather's shoulder. She becomes very aware she's wearing a paper gown and nothing else to maintain her modesty.

"Heather," she hissed. "I'm not wearing any clothes. I don't want him near me."

Hiccup can hear her, and his neck and cheeks are both bright red.

Nurse Heather snaps. "Oh for goodness sake, he's already seen everything." She rips up Astrid's gown and grabs Hiccup's hand, planting it on Astrid's abdomen without any delicacy.

Astrid's shocked. "What do you mean everything?" she asks desperately, trying to ignore Hiccup's professional touch and not imagining what parts of her body his eyes were currently exposed to.

Heather grins wickedly. Astrid gulps.

"You get so loopy on anesthetic, did you know that? You lifted your gown and flashed everything to everybody, but especially Doctor Hiccup. You asked him if he liked what he saw. Then you giggled till you fell unconscious."

Astrid's gaze flicks towards Hiccup seeing the appreciation in his eyes, as well as consternation about their situation. Although he was obviously enjoying himself.

Astrid wishes she was still unconscious.

Hiccup clears his throat. "The surgery went well and the wound looks good. I'll see you tomorrow to discharge you…er, with a few more clothes on."

His smile becomes huge and Heather laughs while Astrid covers her face in mortification.

This was not going to end well.

-oOo-

Ruffnut handed her patient a urine sample jar and pointed towards the toilet. "You can pee in there."

The patient toddled off towards the toilets and comes back a few minutes later. Very relieved, he hands back the empty jar.

"Thanks, but there was a toilet in there, so I didn't need to use your jar," he told her.

Ruffnut could only blink.

-oOo-

Nr Heather: You know, laughter is the best medicine.

Nr Ruff: Not if you're incontinent.

Nr Heather: *ignoring comment* You know what really makes me smile?

Nr Ruff: Facial muscles.

Nr Heather: *sighs at loss of punchline* Yep.

-oOo-

Medical Centre with Doctor Snotlout

...

Patient: The problem is, that obesity runs in my family

Doctor: No, the problem is that no one runs in your family.

-oOo-

A patient prepped for surgery takes a last minute walk to the toilet in his surgical gown.

He passes by wardie Tuffnut, who notices the gaping back of the gown, with a naked backside on full display.

"Now I know why they call it I.C.U."

-oOo-

You might be a nurse if…

You believe there's nothing a good tape job can't fix.

...

Nurse Astrid passes Nurse Ruff, seeing her taping up a patient's bandaged arm.

Not long after Astrid passes Ruff again, and sees her taping up a patient's loose IV line.

Sometime later, Astrid stood up beside the hospital bed snapping off her gloves as she tells Patient Brown, "Don't worry. That will take about ten minutes to work."

A few minutes later, Astrid walks out of another room balancing a loaded bed pan. The call button goes off for one of her patients. She's unable to answer it so she asks the closest nurse, "Ruff? Could you see Patient Brown please? I need to take a sample of this."

Ruff willing agrees and strides off to find the patient as requested.

Astrid soon finishes her task, then locates Ruff. Tugging her co-worker aside she asks, "All okay in there?"

Ruff shrugs without any great care. "Nothing a good tape job couldn't fix. His pants were falling down, so I taped them up."

Astrid gasps and says, "Ruff! I just gave him an enema. How's he going to pull his pants down to use the loo?" before rushing off to rescue a frantic and confused patient.

Ruff pulls a face, "Oops! My bad!"

-oOo-

Trainee nurse is attaching ECG wires to a heart patient, under the careful supervision of the senior nurse.

"Place these leads on the left side, and these ones on the other side," the supervisor tells junior nurse.

Trainee nurse attaches the wires. Watching the readout of the patient's cardiac rhythm, he becomes excited when he notices something odd on the printout.

"Nurse! This man has dextrocardia! His T and P waves are inverted, meaning his heart is on the opposite side of his chest. This is amazing!" says the junior nurse with great enthusiasm over his find.

The supervising nurse leaned over to inspect the readout and was unimpressed.

"Put the cables on the patient's left side…not yours."

-oOo-

Doctor Fishlegs: (to nurse) Did you take the patient's temperature?

Nurse Ruff: No, is it missing?

-oOo-

Dr Hiccup: *talking to Heather* Did you have a patient needing a cannula?

Nr Heather: Yes. Patient Smith. He's dying and needs a new IV for his medications.

Dr Hiccup: Okay, thanks. Can you assist me?

Nr Heather: Oh...ah…actually (grabs a surprised Astrid) I believe Nr Astrid can help you out. He's her patient.

Nr Astrid: Who?

Nr Heather: You know…patient Smith. The one who's dying?

Nr Astrid: But he's yo….(Heather's hand over mouth)

Nr Heather: Yes, I've been helping. He only needs a cannula. That's all. Dr Hiccup really needs your help.

Nr Astrid: Oh….er…okay. This way please.

Steps into wrong room. Patient appears asleep in a darkened room.

Nr Astrid: Oh, I think he's asleep. It might be best to leave him for a little bit. His IV seems fine at the moment.

Dr Hiccup: *Stopping Astrid from leaving* So Astrid, while we're here, I've been meaning to ask you…I've noticed you seem to be a little distant with me lately. Have I done something wrong?

Nr Astrid: *blushing* Um, no. You've done everything right.

Dr Hiccup: *leaning a little closer and talking quietly* Then how come you keep avoiding me? Do I stink?

Nr Astrid: *really blushing* No, Hiccup. You smell just fine. I…I like your aftershave. It's nice.

Dr Hiccup: You do? Oh, er, thanks. I really like your perfume you wear too.

Nr Astrid: Oh…yeah. It's my favourite. It's called 'Ocean'.

Dr Hiccup: 'Ocean'? Now it will always remind me of your blue eyes….oh, er. I mean. So why don't you want to be near me then?

Nr Astrid: Oh, I want to be near you…um, what I mean is, I like being near you…oh no, that sounds just as bad….um, I don't not want to be near you….

Patient: What she means is, when she gets close to you she can't stop the urge to get her hands all over you.

Doctor and Nurse are both completely surprised.

Nr Astrid: Patient Smith? Are you awake? I thought you were dying.

Patient: Oh yes, I'm dying…dying to find out what happens next between you two. This is better than any tv soap opera. *He grins* Oh, and by the way, my name is Patient Jones…not Smith.

Dr and Nr: *both blushing profusely with embarrassment*

Nr Astrid: Oh, sorry Patient Jones. We've come to the wrong room. So sorry to have disturbed you.

Patient: No problems. You can come in here anytime…you know…if you need a place to 'talk'.

Gives them a big conspiratorial wink and a smirk.

Nr Astrid: *Hastily pushes Hiccup out the door* Let's try the next room, Doctor.

They leave but Hiccup turns around.

Dr Hiccup: Was he right? About getting your hands all over me?

Nr Astrid: Hiccup! We're in a hospital.

Dr Hiccup: Oh, sorry…ah, this is Patient Smith…I hope?

-oOo-

Medical Centre with Doctor Fishlegs

...

Doctor: How long has your wife had a fever?

Husband: Well, I felt her up last night and she was pretty hot then.

-oOo-

You might be a nurse if…

You've told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker and to HOLLER if they need help.

...

Cranky Patient: You are a terrible nurse. I'm going to report you. What is your name? I can't see your badge.

Nurse Ruff: Exactly. If you want to call me something, call me Astrid.

Cranky Patient: Astrid?

Nurse Ruff: Yeah, that's it. A-S-T-R-I-D. Got that? And make sure you yell…really loud!

-oOo-

Fifty shades of Grey? Try fifty shades of poop.

-oOo-

Sign on treatment room wall for frustrated nurses. A big 'X' with 'Bang Head Here'.

Ruff walks past. "Does it matter whose head I bang there?"

-oOo-

Medical Centre with Doctor Snotlout

...

Patient: I'm in real trouble Doc. If I touch my head, it hurts. If I touch my leg, it hurts. If I touch my chest, it hurts. I touch my arm or back, it hurts.

Doctor: You have a broken finger.

-oOo-

You might be a nurse if…

Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal

PLUS

When you're telling stories at a restaurant and had someone at another table throw up

...

It was time for the afternoon shift changeover, and Heather was waiting eagerly for a certain blonde nurse to appear and take over for her. But more than that, she wanted news...

Astrid appeared, neatly arranged for the start of her working day.

Heather spotted her and dragged her off to one side.

"Soooo...how did it go?" she demanded.

"How did what go?" Astrid asked innocently, although the smirk she was trying to hide gave her away.

"Don't be daft girl. If I have to threaten to extract your liver, you know I will."

"Okay, okay. Violence, sheesh!"

Heather snorted. "That's rich, coming from you."

Astrid shot her a bland look. "Okay fine. If you must know, dinner with Hiccup was going great…till the guy at the next table threw up…I think he had the prawns by the way…then we had to play doctor and nurse to go help him."

"That's a bit of a disappointment," Heather sympathized.

Astrid huffed. "I'll say. The guy had the nerve to blame us for him being sick. Can you believe that?"

Heather immediately became suspicious. "Um…why would he blame you?"

Astrid shrugged. "I don't know. We weren't doing anything gross or sickening. I mean…we were right in the middle of an interesting discussion about the latest techniques for amputation and the guy just upchucks and ruins the whole mood, you know?"

Heather blinked a few times but managed to keep a straight face. "Nothing like an upchucker to spoil a perfectly good dismemberment story."

"I know, right?" Astrid agreed enthusiastically. "Anyway, that kinda put a dampener on the meal so we ended up leaving the restaurant early."

Heather nudged her friend. "Sooo…what happened after that?" she asked with a grin that suggested she already knew where the night ended.

Astrid nudged her back. "Not what you're expecting," she snorted. "We walked along the Esplanade, then found a place for coffee. He dropped me home and that was it."

Heather was almost disappointed. "That's it? Nothing hot and steamy?"

Astrid smirked. "The only thing hot and steamy around here is the autoclave," she teased with a wink, before leaving her friend pouting in the aisle.

A girl has to keep some secrets after all.

-oOo-

Medical Centre with Doctor Fishlegs

...

Doctor: You need to drink at least ten glasses of water per day.

Patient: But that's impossible.

Doctor: Why?

Patient: Because I only have four glasses at home.

-oOo-

Medical Centre with Doctor Snotlout

...

Patient: I broke my leg in two places

Doctor: Well, stop going to those places.

-oOo-

It was a busy night on the wards. Astrid and Ruffnut found themselves rushing to attend to their duties, however Patient Thomson had managed to sleep peacefully through most of the madness.

Until 2am.

Waking up, he pushed the nurse call buzzer repeatedly, imitating an alarm nurses use for emergencies. Astrid and Ruffnut raced in immediately, only to find Patient Thomson sitting up in bed clearly not in any life-threatening danger.

Astrid frowned. "What are you doing? You only need to press the buzzer once if it's not urgent," she scolded.

The patient was unrepentant. "Yes, but I see you girls running when it gets pressed more. And it is urgent."

Ruffnut growled at the oblivious man. "What's so urgent at 2am in the morning?" she wanted to know.

Patient Thomson's face contorted in discomfit. "I can't go to the toilet. I'm constipated," he complained.

Ruffnut threw her hands in the air. "All yours. I'm outta here," she told her colleague, promptly leaving to help real patients with real problems.

Astrid sighed then pinched the bridge of her nose, reminding herself the man was in hospital because he was sick and she needed to show patience and restraint.

Lots of it.

"Okay," she asked. "Did you go to the toilet yesterday?"

"Yes."

"And the day before?" she asked to clarify.

"Yes."

Astrid was confused. "Then why do you think you are suddenly suffering from constipation at 2am?"

The patient rubbed his stomach and grunted uncomfortably again. "Because I have this huge pain in my stomach and I can't go to the toilet," he whined.

Suddenly, the man lets rip a loud fart, nearly causing Astrid to keel over with the strong odour.

Patient Thomson smiled in great relief. "Ah, that's better. Seems I wasn't constipated at all. Just a bit of wind. Goodnight nurse," he said to the dizzy nurse before laying down to snuggle happily into his pillow.

Astrid coughed, trying hard not to breathe and feeling ready to throw the man out the window in frustration…after first donning a gas mask…but decided to leave in a great hurry instead.

Running into Ruffnut in the corridor, Astrid sucked in a breath of fresh air and tried to quell the green colouring she could feel rising up her cheeks.

"So was there an emergency?" Ruffnut drawled.

"Yeah…I think something crawled up his butt and died. It couldn't be saved," Astrid choked out, staggering off.

-oOo-

Medical Centre with Doctor Fishlegs

...

Patient: Doc, I'm having trouble with my eyes.

Doctor: What's the problem?

Patient: Every time I take my glasses off, everything goes fuzzy.

Doctor: Hmm…..

-oOo-

Medical Centre with Doctor Snotlout

...

Doctor: Your eye keeps hurting because you drink tea. Stop drinking tea.

Patient: *complaining* But I love tea. I can't stop drinking it!

Doctor: Okay, then first take out the spoon.

-oOo-

Astrid and Ruffnut were settling at the lunch table with their food. Looking over Astrid's selection and seeing a piece of fruit there, Ruffnut nudged her friend.

"An apple a day will keep the doctor away," she teased.

Astrid surveyed Ruffnut's highly aromatic meal and retaliated.

"Yeah, but a garlic a day will keep everyone away."

-oOo-

Ruffnut was helping a patient sit up in bed in preparation to eat his lunch, which included a piece of fruit.

Patient: *joking* So, is it true an apple a day will keep the doctor away?

Nr Ruff: *not missing a beat* Only if you aim it well enough.

-oOo-

Medical Centre with Doctor Snotlout

...

Patient: *about to have surgery* I'm very concerned about how this surgery is going to go, doc.

Doctor: Don't worry. I watched how to do this on youtube.

-oOo-

Nurse Heather was checking on her patient, who had just returned from surgery.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

"I'm okay," replied the recovering patient. "But I didn't like the four letter word the doctor used in surgery."

Heather was curious. "What did he say?"

"Oops."

-oOo-

Ruffnut presented to her patient, a young man with tattoos up his arms and piercings hanging off everything.

"I have an injection for you," she told the patient gruffly.

The young man doubtfully eyed off the syringe and asked, "Can I have a tablet instead? I don't like needles."

Ruffnut had to wait a moment to pick her jaw off the floor.

"Seriously?"

-oOo-

Astrid was alarmed to see a patient running screaming down the hallway past her.

She was even more alarmed to see Ruffnut chasing the man with a needle in her hand.

"Come on, it's just one little prick!" Ruff yelled.

Astrid could only shake her head.

-oOo-

Ruffnut was preparing medications in the treatment room with Heather.

Nurse Ruff: A patient tried to flirt with me today.

Nurse Heather: *surprised* Really? Patients flirt with me all the time.

Nurse Ruff: Yeah, but this was Mr Green. He's 95 and has dementia.

Nurse Heather: Hghmmm….

-oOo-

Astrid checks on her patient and double takes when she sees him. Turning abruptly, she leaves to go find Ruffnut.

"Why is my patient unconscious? You were only supposed to give him a vitamin," Astrid demanded.

Ruff shrugged. "Valium. Vitamin. Close enough."

-oOo-

Inspirational sayings that nurses would like to see around the nurses station….

"TEAMWORK, means never having to take all the blame yourself."

-oOo-

Doctor Fishlegs comes to the nurses station, talking briefly to Nurse Heather before leaving to visit his patient.

Nurse Heather: *swooning dramatically* Did you see that? I so love that lop sided smirk he gave just for me.

Nurse Astrid: *teasing her friend* You sure? Cause it looked just like a classic sign of stroke to me.

-oOo-


End file.
